I wasn't going to write terribly personal stories on here, but not too many people read this, it's on my mind, and I don't feel like journaling.....ANYWAY... that poem below, well...theres a bit of a dilemma around it.
I wrote it as an appreciation for a fellow livened soul. At the time I realized everytime this boy would walk into a room, the whole room would seem to relax as a reaction. It was as if as soon as this Pisces man would walk into the room, regardless of what was going on before, the ambiance of the room would be cleansed with this calming aquatic energy. So, that's a pretty cool thing right? But how does one go about explaining that to someone? Especially to the energy transformer himself? To just verbally express it in conversation, the thought would just get brushed to the side, or possibly misconstrued amongst others. So one day, I wrote a poem about it.
Now, Pisces man is reaaal attractive. And when it is winter and one cannot absorb as much love and light from the outdoors, they usually absorb or crave it from others. One Friday night, after a stressful week, everyone was listening to music and rolling a bit too. I was dancing with everyone and felt included in their feeling of being one with every person around you. I was dancing with pisces man at one point, and we started making out. The bite of the boomerang is that a boy who I knew liked me but never pursued me, a boy so sweet and genuine in all that he does, is good friends with Pisces and walked into the dance room as we were goin at it. The look on his face made me die a little inside; I'm not sure I'll ever forget it.
That hook-up was fine, and the one a week or so later when I went back to his place. Although after a recent hook-up with someone else that ended really shittily, I was soaking up the goddess treatment Pisces gave me and nothing really happened because I didn't want it to. Although, when I woke up, (to find out he gave me the bed and was sleeping on the floor) I wrote the poem on a scrap piece of paper. I never intended to give it to him. I drunkenly brought it thinking I would read a piece of it or something, but in the morning it seemed like a good idea as I had been trying to be more open with my poetry.
So now I'm thinking if I were to go back and change just one of my actions what would it be? Not leave the poem, which possibly insinuated I wanted something from him? and ended up leading to the reasons why I don't let people read my poetry: feelings of uncertainty in meaning construed, judgements, cliches, expectations... Or should I not of hooked up with him the second time or not at all? Or was my real mistake not giving the shy, sweet one a chance when I knew he liked me? Right now my gut is going with constant deliberation over the last one. But are my "gut" feelings feelings of guilt, loneliness, desperation, or a true realization of my actions and feelings. At any rate, I do realize that I need to reevaluate how I make decisions and if I should trust my attractions to certain people. I most prominently need to stop being scared of love. And scared of how I'm perceived. All I've ever known is that I need to do what keeps my soul alive like writing poems and dancing. Predicaments like these make me not want to do either. Though with the magic of spring, joy cannot be suppressed and not shared. It'll all work out in the wash, I just wish I didn't put so much spin into the spin cycle of some situations.
