Learning Myself: Surviving Together

10/18/2017

Conscious Conquistadors 

Conquering lightly as we go 

Capturing the light in our cameras

Art in our hearts 

This age of exploration has shifted for me. At first it was a testament to my New Years resolution, “learn to be more comfortable with being alone”. Then it was realizing I love others and the humanness of natural attachment and adoration that arises. I’ll reflect on these further in other posts. 

Now, towards the end of my trip, it’s about learning what I want. This era of not having a conventional life with rent and having to be at work every day at a certain time has unveiled a lot for me. The simple actions of a day such as showering, eating, brushing your hair... all get timed out in a “feeling”matter. I feel like doing this, I’m feeling hungry now... its less of a routines of waking up and immediately make myself up, eat dinner after work, read a book before bed sort of way. Don’t get me wrong, there are still routines on the road, but there is compromise. 

Some of my favorite mornings during the bike trip was when I started biking early. I was able to organize myself this way a couple times before daybreak. Once the sun would rise, the cars are bustling, and the humanness of wanting food, coffee, and a bathroom settled in, I would stop to buy or make breakfast

Some of my least favorite times on the road is learning patience in small quarters. Passing by others to find a thing hidden in the corner of the travel bus when it’s an excitable rush out the door at our newest destination was a challenge(especially when everyone has to pee!). Having to wait for others was a compromise in these routine “wants”. Are we going to help each other, tier our needs, or is it individual anarchy?! (Fond pee dance memories, don’t worry folks;)

There were times on this trip where I was disillusioned with what I was doing, almost to the point of depression. Morning moods are always a good indicator of my inner happiness. A few days ago I read a quote from Thoreau that echoed the same thing: 

Measure you health by your sympathy with the morning and spring. If there is no response in you to the awakening of nature-if the prospect of a morning walk does banish sleep, if the warble of the first bluebird does not thrill you- know that the morning and spring of your life are past. Thus may you feel your pulse. 

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On a grander scheme I have a harder time figuring out what I want. I am so grateful when opportunities come to me that I like, I don’t stop to see if they align with some preconceived laundry list of wants. From romantic partners to roommates, jobs to what city I want to live in, everything just seems to evolve around me and within me. 

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Many people in my life don’t consider me a morning person. Yet, as I feel my pulse, I’m learning that’s not true. I have, however, realized I love certain things over others. Certain foods, certain speaking tones, certain music. There’s an uncomfortable unconscious aversion when I don’t like a “something”. That is the part of me I’m learning to unveil. As I meet her, I’m trying to understand if the aversion is out of comfort, fear, control...or really if the thing/situation/place or person is a rational thing to have an opinion about at all. Are my feelings really going to change the world right now? Where can I put my focus? Yeah this burger sucks now, but let me daydream about the garden of sweet lettuce and tomatoes I’m going to create. Yeah I wanted to leave for a hike an hour ago, but learning to communicate and hold space for a friend with patience can help to build our friendship. Yeah I’m really cranky this morning, vitamins and coffee won’t change the fact I need to change my attitudes and aspirations. 

Being able to choose is a great luxury. This travel spree has shown me just how much is under our control. Whether you are in a stage of change or comfort, you are the captain of your own ship. Those momentary lapses in control, like when you are opening up to love, when someone else is literally driving you, or feeling the

grander systems(schemes) of politics and society, these are all moments meant to enliven your flame. It ignites thoughts of what you can do, who you can be for others, and what you can contribute. Moments of discomfort also show you how your choices, the luxury which that action is, can sometimes be strongest when standing still. 

So I will enjoy mornings for their sunrise, friendships for their compromise, and love for what it contrives. I will continue to learn what I like and don’t like, and how to recognize the aversions as easily as my zeal. There is an evolution to my intentions this year, and I feel it is healthy. Reflections on aloneness and love were transformed into reflections and lessons on how to survive better together.