Fireflies

Oh firefly, oh firefly, fairy of the night sky
may your light transfer and intensify

So magical. I feel as if whenever you are in a place where there are abundant fireflies, you cannot help but to think good thoughts, have sprightly imagination, or think of the Holy Spirit.

I recently went driving with my brother. There are no places to go after 9 o'clock on a weekday, except for a diner for some pie of course! We had a great time drinking tea and eating pie, but after a while, we were once again thrown into the ambiguous night. The moon was miraculous at its yellow waxing gibbous state high in the sky, and I was awake and restless as always when the moon is swelling with light. I was itching to get out of the car and spend some time in a nature oasis, but I knew my brother was tired. Maybe he sensed my restlessness or got inspired from the beautiful moonlit back roads we were traveling, but soon enough we were scaling down the side of a road towards the river.

It was a beautiful river-bend with a delicate song grasping around the rocks and falling with the runoff. All of the trees were laden with thousands of fireflies. After talking excitedly for a few hours, my brother and I immediately fell silent when we arrived. The mind is eased with a river, no matter how ceaseless and rambunctious either seem to be. I sat there thinking of how fireflies seemed to be bundles of energy. Some fireflies seemed to be slower and brighter while others were more frequent and dull. My brother had the realization that when you are visited with the light of God, sometimes you are blinded for a bit afterwards while walking through life. And it occurred to me to compare this with fireflies in the sense that some people are visited by God frequently, whereas some are less frequent but with higher life-altering intensity.

Hopefully I can be as consistent as the firefly or rightfully inconsistent with the amount of light I am letting show, for every situation calls for either reserve or for me to step out of my comfort zone and embrace what is being asked of my Spirit.

The Uncertainties of All Things Magical.

i wonder if my poetry is no longer mine once its on this here intershmet. oh well...


"Music flows like uncertainty creeps" the young scribe writes in his book.
Such like the rainbow that creeps around morning suns and crescent moons
as time crept and formed the regal twist of a grandmother willow.
This magic is the most uncertain uncertainties of them all;
the magic that is held in the musician's ears.
This musician simply breathes and is sustained
he is a musician who sleeps and lives
and for each musician who ever walked one day of life
there is a song that goes unheard.
So sing me the song you hear, young musician,
try to mend together the best words you can find.
Take the rhythm sung from the river's mouth
be the beat behind each verse.
Let each verse, young scribe,
flow from the ceaseless river of your mind
into the sea; the sea of uncertainty.
For that song that plays within you, but cannot escape
no matter what instrument you play,
yes, you know the song, but from where does it come?
From where does the music flow? the magic bestowed?
Why is there beauty in this world, music in my ears?
The answer is one only of uncertain nature,
but nonetheless not less true.

mistakes

Mistakes. I wish life were like a movie so if I realize a take was a bad one, I can say take 2, 3, 4...until I get the one I like. Im the director of my life right? Sometimes that doesn't quite feel so true.

I wasn't going to write terribly personal stories on here, but not too many people read this, it's on my mind, and I don't feel like journaling.....ANYWAY... that poem below, well...theres a bit of a dilemma around it.

I wrote it as an appreciation for a fellow livened soul. At the time I realized everytime this boy would walk into a room, the whole room would seem to relax as a reaction. It was as if as soon as this Pisces man would walk into the room, regardless of what was going on before, the ambiance of the room would be cleansed with this calming aquatic energy. So, that's a pretty cool thing right? But how does one go about explaining that to someone? Especially to the energy transformer himself? To just verbally express it in conversation, the thought would just get brushed to the side, or possibly misconstrued amongst others. So one day, I wrote a poem about it.

Now, Pisces man is reaaal attractive. And when it is winter and one cannot absorb as much love and light from the outdoors, they usually absorb or crave it from others. One Friday night, after a stressful week, everyone was listening to music and rolling a bit too. I was dancing with everyone and felt included in their feeling of being one with every person around you. I was dancing with pisces man at one point, and we started making out. The bite of the boomerang is that a boy who I knew liked me but never pursued me, a boy so sweet and genuine in all that he does, is good friends with Pisces and walked into the dance room as we were goin at it. The look on his face made me die a little inside; I'm not sure I'll ever forget it.

That hook-up was fine, and the one a week or so later when I went back to his place. Although after a recent hook-up with someone else that ended really shittily, I was soaking up the goddess treatment Pisces gave me and nothing really happened because I didn't want it to. Although, when I woke up, (to find out he gave me the bed and was sleeping on the floor) I wrote the poem on a scrap piece of paper. I never intended to give it to him. I drunkenly brought it thinking I would read a piece of it or something, but in the morning it seemed like a good idea as I had been trying to be more open with my poetry.

So now I'm thinking if I were to go back and change just one of my actions what would it be? Not leave the poem, which possibly insinuated I wanted something from him? and ended up leading to the reasons why I don't let people read my poetry: feelings of uncertainty in meaning construed, judgements, cliches, expectations... Or should I not of hooked up with him the second time or not at all? Or was my real mistake not giving the shy, sweet one a chance when I knew he liked me? Right now my gut is going with constant deliberation over the last one. But are my "gut" feelings feelings of guilt, loneliness, desperation, or a true realization of my actions and feelings. At any rate, I do realize that I need to reevaluate how I make decisions and if I should trust my attractions to certain people. I most prominently need to stop being scared of love. And scared of how I'm perceived. All I've ever known is that I need to do what keeps my soul alive like writing poems and dancing. Predicaments like these make me not want to do either. Though with the magic of spring, joy cannot be suppressed and not shared. It'll all work out in the wash, I just wish I didn't put so much spin into the spin cycle of some situations.

Falling In Lust With a Pisces Man

What is the feeling
that makes us want to close our eyes?


I sit by the river.
My reflection upon the water is a perplexing one.
One that I know, but each ripple,
each different from the last or next,
leaves me mesmerized.
I do not like this.
I look away, and find I am cleansed through by breeze..
I close my eyes.

There is a moment of worry at what I see;
the reflections within my mind's eye,
leads me to almost open my eyes,
but i breathe out instead.
When I straighten my spine
and fix my face into a relaxed smile,
I am rewarded with joy and peace.

I can hear close but also far;
far to the right, I hear untamable rapids,
though tamed by the time they arrive at my perch.
There is a large rock in the river's middle
Inspiring a bubbling rhythm.
The low tones let loose,
ripple out, and float away.
The others a seductive dance of healing creativity.

The waters wash over my body and soul;
the eb and flow is contained, but not confined by,
the solar construct of soil and plants.
All things energetic and rejuvenating comes from the right,
spiral through and around,
and by the unwinding path to the left, are released.

A Letter for Love

Dear misdirected middle school girl,

I write this letter to share wisdom. To be wise is to go into a situation aware of your values and the truly wise will make choices within that situation according to the strength of their integrity. Know how strong and wise you are at all times. Wisdom does not belong to the aged. With age one has more experiences and therefor placed in more circumstances to learn lessons and apply integrity, but it doesn't mean they do those things. Wisdom can be possessed without the experience, lesson learned, or application. Just be aware. Not beware, but be aware.

I do not write this letter to tell you what to do or not to do, who to be, how to act, what to believe in or to reprimand you. I only do it to transfer wisdom. That is the only reason, under my understanding, for language and communication; for survival relies on an individual's wisdom.

Please, for the sake of the world's balance, be understanding of another's wish to commit to their beliefs and opinions. Wisdom can be argued against for purposes of righteousness for another alternative wisdom. Keep in mind that what works for you, might not work for them. Also, having integrity does not mean being stubborn at all costs, it means having the strength to discern what is right from anything you are faced with. Be constantly transforming. there is no one transformation your soul will go through like that of a butterfly, it is an on-going process. Respect the journey of others as much as your own.

Mistakes are made. There is no perfect person. They say Jesus was, but even he got reprimanded for doing what he thought was right. It's been quite a long time and people are still trying to figure that guy out, trying to discern if the things he did was the right things to do. People will always try to figure you out, have expectations of you, and make judgements. Ponder these interpretations occasionally for its interesting to see other's perceptions, but NEVER let it change who you are. Your journey will get knocked off its course, and although that isn't a bad thing, you will be living for someone else, not for your own soul's survival.

You can only rely on yourself. Though this may sound harsh and skeptical, that is the only thing in this world you can be sure of. Facts are constantly disputed. Make judgement on who to trust by the intuition you receive when you look into their eyes. The eye is the easiest way to look into the physical brain, and I believe the most immediate way to read a person's soul. What is said about a person, or what that person says or does is sometimes completely irrelevant to who they actually are. Journeys are taken in obscure ways, that intuition will tell you if that person is true or artificial. However, don't beat yourself up if you are wrong.

Accept new experiences and emotions. Ponder thoughts about the soul, spirit, how the world works and whatever strikes your fancy. Reflect but don't dwell. This world is going at such a rapid pace there is limited time to figure out all the complexities of this world. It is not human's purpose to figure it out, we are meant to live.

Don't be bored. You are insulting yourself. Imagination does not belong to five year olds, you can still visit the magical place! With creativity and imagination you can do anything! The things of this world, such as money, are not needed to have a good time.

Marvel in the wonders of the world. All things that take time to make or grow. Man-made or nature-made is a ethical debate, but nonetheless everything is worthy of praise. The mind that constructed a machine to do things a human hand used to do is marvelous. Making a human hand make something that nature makes too is a phenomenon that is marvelous. The light in droplets that hang off trees are marvelous.

Good luck in your journey. Have confidence in all that you do. This is your life, and how you live it should have nothing to do with anyone else.

Love,
a contemplative collegiate woman

DRUGS.

I am really in the strong belief that drugs are a short cut to emotions, feelings, and realizations that you could have came to without the use of a tool. Sometimes the realizations and epiphanies could potentially not happen within a certain soul's lifetime, or the immensely strong feelings will never be realized when they occur without the use of a tool. Maybe those realizations have more power when they are not aided by the use of drugs, with the easy route of drugs, but those realizations are nonetheless powerful, and it doesn't degrade the specialness if stumbled upon with the aide of a substance.

There is a thought that Ken Kesey stands by in books like the Kool-aid Acid test and others, which makes a lot of sense to me. Keep in mind that I have never read this book in its entirety, I transformed the thought to my word choice, and I am paraphrasing from what a friend told me in a conversation. Nevertheless, Ken Kesey believes that using these short-cuts are beneficial because they produce those experiences of the mind, and one can realize things and so forth, but once one realizes the power of the mind, they need to stop using short cuts. The mind has already been opened and it has learned through quick lessons how to function, so the tools are no longer needed. I am not saying that drugs teach you how to think, for it is the mind that decides how it will think. I am saying that when used, a drug can teach the mind how to open. The lesson can be learned without the use of a drug, but if a mind and a body were to subject itself to a drug and not learn the lesson the substance had to teach, I feel the tool to that person is useless.

Now, what is this drug? A drug can be anything. It is only a tool which to open the mind. I feel that something as simple as breathing could "open the mind". Reading and gaining knowledge, not sleeping, sleeping a lot, eating certain foods, exercising, speaking with others... these can all be considered drugs. And also the contrary: over-consumption of any one thing, misinformation, eating rotten or unhealthy food, and so forth can be considered a drug. So what am I trying to say here? Anything one being subjects themselves to is a "drug". Anything that changes how you think, what emotion you have, or alters your mind in any way is basically a drug. By using the more risky of substances, and putting a potential powerful toxin into your body, it is unnecessary unless you recognize and respect the tool and use it to learn. The body is a temple; the power of the mind is vast. Once seeing what the mind can do, the use of the means to get there should be obliterated. The mind already has observed how to open. The body has been subject to a toxin that it does not need to be subject to anymore.

I am not trying to instill my views on anyone. I am not trying to say that my realizations are correct. I am not saying that drugs should not be used. I am not endorsing the use of drugs. I am only saying that with the use of a drug, one should learn what it has to teach and go about their ways. The experience should be lived than the mind should continue to function as it was meant to function. That is all I suppose:]
And I suppose these are all hippie thoughts, but I don't care. I don't care if I'm pinned by the government for being someone talking about drugs to the public eye. This is who I am, these are my opinions right now. So be it.

Population, Luxury, Poverty

UGHHHHHHHHH
IM ANGRY!!!

I was in my sustainability class today, and we were having the discussion of population, luxury, and poverty. People were saying that we need to be more like the animals in which we are. When we detached ourselves from the hunter-gather society and we stopped having our own gardens and killing our own meat, we stopped the connection with nature. We started to indulge in luxury and not respect the food that sustains us. We buy food from the grocery store, and because there is excess there, we buy more than we need. There is no personal reward for opening the plastic package and cooking already prepared bacon; we just eat. There are no survival techniques so we don't value life as much. Regardless of the value we place on life, we still have the biological desire to reproduce, and consequently, our numbers rise. This causes these luxurious lifestyles to double at the expense of the earth and its resources.

Now I agree with this for the most part. But the thing that came next got me completely fired up.

Someone said that in order to have resources for all, we need to take that animal role and let nature take its course. The weaker ones of our culture should be left to die, to sustain the lives of the stronger by leaving more resources for them. The weaker ones meaning the impoverished and the diseased. They also said that the poor people, specifically America's impoverished, did not respect what they had, like when given a helping hand they go out and buy McDonalds. This got me so angry. All these privileged people of this classroom agreed with this statement, nodding their heads. Another spoke about how he reconsiders giving canned goods to the poor, for the purpose of this law of survival of the fittest. If he helped these people out this time, what happens when they are hungry again? They aren't working for their food, so then they should be the weaker.

These fucking trustafarians have NEVER been hungry.
They have never had the humiliation of having to try to find food when you don't have money, and having the haven of a canned good to sustain you. They have never gone to sleep hungry, and woken up the next day, stomach growling.

The poor are the most connected to nature. They ARE the hunter and gatherers! To make a meal out of what one scavenges out of their cubbard is most challenging and rewarding. To make a garden because the family needs it to survive, and they go hungry when it does not bear fruit, is something these fucking hippiecrites will never experience. They think their little gardens are mimicking sustainability and environmentalism, but when it doesn't do well they go out and buy groceries because they're hungry and purchase brand-new books about their poor little gardens. They are considered the strongest, but aren't the weaker ones that possess more strength? When they eat at McDonalds they have to pay for the health consequences, but when someone is trying desperately to do that "work harder" thing, to meet up to the stronger ones, so they can go out and buy groceries when their gardens fail, they're exhausted. And when a person is tired, hungry, and losing hope, a pre-prepared, cheap, hot meal is mighty satisfying. Counting change for that satisfaction is gathering right? Searching the menu for the most food for your money is hunting right?

Maybe I am just another hippiecrite by thinking I know what I'm talking about with poverty, but my family has had its ups and downs. Not that I am a voice of the issue, but I feel like I have seen a little of both worlds. We do not choose what environment we are born into, or the automatic privileges we are given by our class, gender, and race, but we must be aware of what the unprivileged have to deal with. We must be compassionate.

When we detached ourselves from the agricultural world, we saw the opportunity to improve the quality of life. Farming machines made it so more people could go into the cities or whatnot and become writers, artists, musicians, actors, and so forth. The books which we are reading in class wouldn't exist if the author was a farmer. Of course the society we have constructed is ridiculous with the societal norms and complexities we have fabricated out of nothing. Money is not needed, yet it controls a lot of what each of us does. We have improved the mind, but disconnected from nature. The transformation led into the expulsion of self-sufficiency. And apparently the helpless impoverished.

Are we to help the ones who are "weak"? Do we let them suffer for the betterment of the lives of the strong?
I think humans have a conscience, and to belittle ourselves to be less, with the excuse of getting in touch with our animal nature, is disgraceful.