The Night Before...

...the BIG CHALLENGE.

And I'm excited.
Nay,
I'm...EXCITED!!!

I am beginning a vow of silence, but since no one can ever shut me up, for I am too firey, it has been re-named a "Vow of Learning to Listen".
Here are some rules I am following:

1. i am an academic. first and foremost, i need to keep this in mind. If I need to nix the whole thing and go to school, because that is the most important.

2. Gumby. Have a Plan but be flexible. I've been enjoying saying lately, "don't be grumpy be gumby". If I need to participate more than I would have liked to when I first thought of this challenge to pass a class, so be it. The point of this is to learn so I can teach better. Well, this is the biggest point of my experiment.

3. tutors. The way I envisioned this happening from that fateful Thursday hammockday creation is to have a one hour of tutor per course I am taking. some classes will take less, some will be more, but just something weekly to check up with the teacher and/or student tutor on how I am doing academically. I will talk during this time, but mostly questions, and striving for complete mindfulness while doing so.

4. singing. I do want to improve musically, so I will sing periodically.

5. Blogging. I will update this frequently also, so to let all my friends and family know how I am doing. Also any changes to the plan will be documented for I want to be flexible to changes, but stern in what I want to do. I will meditate thoroughly on each decision, and maybe consult Thoreau too :] (with his rules of mile from town "wilderness living" and visitors and all...but still a great man, nonetheless)

6. Reasons: there are many reasons why I want to do this but here are a few, not really in any order, that I've seen so far:
one: so to be a better teacher. to understand the ones who can't express themselves easily or are suppressed in any way.
two: to learn to listen, I've been so loud my whole life. and when I'm not loud I'm thinking loudly. I have perceived myself to have been observant this whole time, but my guess is that it is mostly clues; not truly and simply listening to life around me.
three: to learn better. because of the reason above I have considered myself to possibly have auditory processing disorder because I can never remember what the teacher has said, and many symptoms of the disorder. However, maybe I can avoid ever having to be formally diagnosed with the disorder if I can simply learn to listen.
four: to transcend negativity. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. things i think might currently have negative connotations: my school's reputation, the rep of americans and their gluttonous ways, choosing a spiritual choice over a more "logical" one. among others, but I think these are things I can work toward changing. I have high aspirations.

7. exceptions: Within the next two weeks, (see calendar below) speak to whoever I need to to do this, Student Senates, Advisors, Deans, Profs, Directors, whoevers. Set up a support staff of a few people I can talk to to keep sanity-> one therapist-like person, two advisors, one person I can just tell past stories to so on so forth. I will organize this vague part by the 30th.

Calendar: September 12-start vow. That Sunday until October-organize and explain, talk only when I need to either. October until December- as quiet as decided on September 30th. 5days before or after Thanksgiving: No communication whatsoever as Friend Ben told me. Break fast on Thanksgiving. December 17-Break for Christmas break. re-evaluate how smoothly my school worked with me, do it the same way for the next semester. Talk when school lets out! Be mindful for the rest of my life!

In the words a beloved friend, Will write more later!

Fireflies

Oh firefly, oh firefly, fairy of the night sky
may your light transfer and intensify

So magical. I feel as if whenever you are in a place where there are abundant fireflies, you cannot help but to think good thoughts, have sprightly imagination, or think of the Holy Spirit.

I recently went driving with my brother. There are no places to go after 9 o'clock on a weekday, except for a diner for some pie of course! We had a great time drinking tea and eating pie, but after a while, we were once again thrown into the ambiguous night. The moon was miraculous at its yellow waxing gibbous state high in the sky, and I was awake and restless as always when the moon is swelling with light. I was itching to get out of the car and spend some time in a nature oasis, but I knew my brother was tired. Maybe he sensed my restlessness or got inspired from the beautiful moonlit back roads we were traveling, but soon enough we were scaling down the side of a road towards the river.

It was a beautiful river-bend with a delicate song grasping around the rocks and falling with the runoff. All of the trees were laden with thousands of fireflies. After talking excitedly for a few hours, my brother and I immediately fell silent when we arrived. The mind is eased with a river, no matter how ceaseless and rambunctious either seem to be. I sat there thinking of how fireflies seemed to be bundles of energy. Some fireflies seemed to be slower and brighter while others were more frequent and dull. My brother had the realization that when you are visited with the light of God, sometimes you are blinded for a bit afterwards while walking through life. And it occurred to me to compare this with fireflies in the sense that some people are visited by God frequently, whereas some are less frequent but with higher life-altering intensity.

Hopefully I can be as consistent as the firefly or rightfully inconsistent with the amount of light I am letting show, for every situation calls for either reserve or for me to step out of my comfort zone and embrace what is being asked of my Spirit.

The Uncertainties of All Things Magical.

i wonder if my poetry is no longer mine once its on this here intershmet. oh well...


"Music flows like uncertainty creeps" the young scribe writes in his book.
Such like the rainbow that creeps around morning suns and crescent moons
as time crept and formed the regal twist of a grandmother willow.
This magic is the most uncertain uncertainties of them all;
the magic that is held in the musician's ears.
This musician simply breathes and is sustained
he is a musician who sleeps and lives
and for each musician who ever walked one day of life
there is a song that goes unheard.
So sing me the song you hear, young musician,
try to mend together the best words you can find.
Take the rhythm sung from the river's mouth
be the beat behind each verse.
Let each verse, young scribe,
flow from the ceaseless river of your mind
into the sea; the sea of uncertainty.
For that song that plays within you, but cannot escape
no matter what instrument you play,
yes, you know the song, but from where does it come?
From where does the music flow? the magic bestowed?
Why is there beauty in this world, music in my ears?
The answer is one only of uncertain nature,
but nonetheless not less true.

mistakes

Mistakes. I wish life were like a movie so if I realize a take was a bad one, I can say take 2, 3, 4...until I get the one I like. Im the director of my life right? Sometimes that doesn't quite feel so true.

I wasn't going to write terribly personal stories on here, but not too many people read this, it's on my mind, and I don't feel like journaling.....ANYWAY... that poem below, well...theres a bit of a dilemma around it.

I wrote it as an appreciation for a fellow livened soul. At the time I realized everytime this boy would walk into a room, the whole room would seem to relax as a reaction. It was as if as soon as this Pisces man would walk into the room, regardless of what was going on before, the ambiance of the room would be cleansed with this calming aquatic energy. So, that's a pretty cool thing right? But how does one go about explaining that to someone? Especially to the energy transformer himself? To just verbally express it in conversation, the thought would just get brushed to the side, or possibly misconstrued amongst others. So one day, I wrote a poem about it.

Now, Pisces man is reaaal attractive. And when it is winter and one cannot absorb as much love and light from the outdoors, they usually absorb or crave it from others. One Friday night, after a stressful week, everyone was listening to music and rolling a bit too. I was dancing with everyone and felt included in their feeling of being one with every person around you. I was dancing with pisces man at one point, and we started making out. The bite of the boomerang is that a boy who I knew liked me but never pursued me, a boy so sweet and genuine in all that he does, is good friends with Pisces and walked into the dance room as we were goin at it. The look on his face made me die a little inside; I'm not sure I'll ever forget it.

That hook-up was fine, and the one a week or so later when I went back to his place. Although after a recent hook-up with someone else that ended really shittily, I was soaking up the goddess treatment Pisces gave me and nothing really happened because I didn't want it to. Although, when I woke up, (to find out he gave me the bed and was sleeping on the floor) I wrote the poem on a scrap piece of paper. I never intended to give it to him. I drunkenly brought it thinking I would read a piece of it or something, but in the morning it seemed like a good idea as I had been trying to be more open with my poetry.

So now I'm thinking if I were to go back and change just one of my actions what would it be? Not leave the poem, which possibly insinuated I wanted something from him? and ended up leading to the reasons why I don't let people read my poetry: feelings of uncertainty in meaning construed, judgements, cliches, expectations... Or should I not of hooked up with him the second time or not at all? Or was my real mistake not giving the shy, sweet one a chance when I knew he liked me? Right now my gut is going with constant deliberation over the last one. But are my "gut" feelings feelings of guilt, loneliness, desperation, or a true realization of my actions and feelings. At any rate, I do realize that I need to reevaluate how I make decisions and if I should trust my attractions to certain people. I most prominently need to stop being scared of love. And scared of how I'm perceived. All I've ever known is that I need to do what keeps my soul alive like writing poems and dancing. Predicaments like these make me not want to do either. Though with the magic of spring, joy cannot be suppressed and not shared. It'll all work out in the wash, I just wish I didn't put so much spin into the spin cycle of some situations.

Falling In Lust With a Pisces Man

What is the feeling
that makes us want to close our eyes?


I sit by the river.
My reflection upon the water is a perplexing one.
One that I know, but each ripple,
each different from the last or next,
leaves me mesmerized.
I do not like this.
I look away, and find I am cleansed through by breeze..
I close my eyes.

There is a moment of worry at what I see;
the reflections within my mind's eye,
leads me to almost open my eyes,
but i breathe out instead.
When I straighten my spine
and fix my face into a relaxed smile,
I am rewarded with joy and peace.

I can hear close but also far;
far to the right, I hear untamable rapids,
though tamed by the time they arrive at my perch.
There is a large rock in the river's middle
Inspiring a bubbling rhythm.
The low tones let loose,
ripple out, and float away.
The others a seductive dance of healing creativity.

The waters wash over my body and soul;
the eb and flow is contained, but not confined by,
the solar construct of soil and plants.
All things energetic and rejuvenating comes from the right,
spiral through and around,
and by the unwinding path to the left, are released.

A Letter for Love

Dear misdirected middle school girl,

I write this letter to share wisdom. To be wise is to go into a situation aware of your values and the truly wise will make choices within that situation according to the strength of their integrity. Know how strong and wise you are at all times. Wisdom does not belong to the aged. With age one has more experiences and therefor placed in more circumstances to learn lessons and apply integrity, but it doesn't mean they do those things. Wisdom can be possessed without the experience, lesson learned, or application. Just be aware. Not beware, but be aware.

I do not write this letter to tell you what to do or not to do, who to be, how to act, what to believe in or to reprimand you. I only do it to transfer wisdom. That is the only reason, under my understanding, for language and communication; for survival relies on an individual's wisdom.

Please, for the sake of the world's balance, be understanding of another's wish to commit to their beliefs and opinions. Wisdom can be argued against for purposes of righteousness for another alternative wisdom. Keep in mind that what works for you, might not work for them. Also, having integrity does not mean being stubborn at all costs, it means having the strength to discern what is right from anything you are faced with. Be constantly transforming. there is no one transformation your soul will go through like that of a butterfly, it is an on-going process. Respect the journey of others as much as your own.

Mistakes are made. There is no perfect person. They say Jesus was, but even he got reprimanded for doing what he thought was right. It's been quite a long time and people are still trying to figure that guy out, trying to discern if the things he did was the right things to do. People will always try to figure you out, have expectations of you, and make judgements. Ponder these interpretations occasionally for its interesting to see other's perceptions, but NEVER let it change who you are. Your journey will get knocked off its course, and although that isn't a bad thing, you will be living for someone else, not for your own soul's survival.

You can only rely on yourself. Though this may sound harsh and skeptical, that is the only thing in this world you can be sure of. Facts are constantly disputed. Make judgement on who to trust by the intuition you receive when you look into their eyes. The eye is the easiest way to look into the physical brain, and I believe the most immediate way to read a person's soul. What is said about a person, or what that person says or does is sometimes completely irrelevant to who they actually are. Journeys are taken in obscure ways, that intuition will tell you if that person is true or artificial. However, don't beat yourself up if you are wrong.

Accept new experiences and emotions. Ponder thoughts about the soul, spirit, how the world works and whatever strikes your fancy. Reflect but don't dwell. This world is going at such a rapid pace there is limited time to figure out all the complexities of this world. It is not human's purpose to figure it out, we are meant to live.

Don't be bored. You are insulting yourself. Imagination does not belong to five year olds, you can still visit the magical place! With creativity and imagination you can do anything! The things of this world, such as money, are not needed to have a good time.

Marvel in the wonders of the world. All things that take time to make or grow. Man-made or nature-made is a ethical debate, but nonetheless everything is worthy of praise. The mind that constructed a machine to do things a human hand used to do is marvelous. Making a human hand make something that nature makes too is a phenomenon that is marvelous. The light in droplets that hang off trees are marvelous.

Good luck in your journey. Have confidence in all that you do. This is your life, and how you live it should have nothing to do with anyone else.

Love,
a contemplative collegiate woman

DRUGS.

I am really in the strong belief that drugs are a short cut to emotions, feelings, and realizations that you could have came to without the use of a tool. Sometimes the realizations and epiphanies could potentially not happen within a certain soul's lifetime, or the immensely strong feelings will never be realized when they occur without the use of a tool. Maybe those realizations have more power when they are not aided by the use of drugs, with the easy route of drugs, but those realizations are nonetheless powerful, and it doesn't degrade the specialness if stumbled upon with the aide of a substance.

There is a thought that Ken Kesey stands by in books like the Kool-aid Acid test and others, which makes a lot of sense to me. Keep in mind that I have never read this book in its entirety, I transformed the thought to my word choice, and I am paraphrasing from what a friend told me in a conversation. Nevertheless, Ken Kesey believes that using these short-cuts are beneficial because they produce those experiences of the mind, and one can realize things and so forth, but once one realizes the power of the mind, they need to stop using short cuts. The mind has already been opened and it has learned through quick lessons how to function, so the tools are no longer needed. I am not saying that drugs teach you how to think, for it is the mind that decides how it will think. I am saying that when used, a drug can teach the mind how to open. The lesson can be learned without the use of a drug, but if a mind and a body were to subject itself to a drug and not learn the lesson the substance had to teach, I feel the tool to that person is useless.

Now, what is this drug? A drug can be anything. It is only a tool which to open the mind. I feel that something as simple as breathing could "open the mind". Reading and gaining knowledge, not sleeping, sleeping a lot, eating certain foods, exercising, speaking with others... these can all be considered drugs. And also the contrary: over-consumption of any one thing, misinformation, eating rotten or unhealthy food, and so forth can be considered a drug. So what am I trying to say here? Anything one being subjects themselves to is a "drug". Anything that changes how you think, what emotion you have, or alters your mind in any way is basically a drug. By using the more risky of substances, and putting a potential powerful toxin into your body, it is unnecessary unless you recognize and respect the tool and use it to learn. The body is a temple; the power of the mind is vast. Once seeing what the mind can do, the use of the means to get there should be obliterated. The mind already has observed how to open. The body has been subject to a toxin that it does not need to be subject to anymore.

I am not trying to instill my views on anyone. I am not trying to say that my realizations are correct. I am not saying that drugs should not be used. I am not endorsing the use of drugs. I am only saying that with the use of a drug, one should learn what it has to teach and go about their ways. The experience should be lived than the mind should continue to function as it was meant to function. That is all I suppose:]
And I suppose these are all hippie thoughts, but I don't care. I don't care if I'm pinned by the government for being someone talking about drugs to the public eye. This is who I am, these are my opinions right now. So be it.