weighing the good and bad.

"To live is to be slowly born."
~Antoine de Saint Exupery

Today I feel like talking. I didn't have class, a tutoring or counseling session, nor professors or advisers that I had to speak with. No labs, no group projects. And I realize those exceptions that I hate making are ways for me to release. The build-up of energy for not talking is a part of the challenge. The exceptions are making it harder to keep up with my challenge. If I talk in class to be a part of a mandatory discussion, then what makes that different from my friends asking how my silence is going? I cant just not answer, that would be rude. We just worked on something together. Or what makes it different talking about a project in class to talking about it after class? What classifies a tutor? BAHHHH. I think I need to talk to my advisor again about re-organizing this challenge. For at this point, I either want it to get more difficult or shorten the length I'm doing this.

I miss saying hello and thank you. I smile at everyone passing, but its just feels so different from the chipper greeting I love giving people. And thank you for holding the door?!? Ah the simple things. The how are you's and how is that soup; I just really want to give my friends more than a hand signal.

So after writing a simplified version of this on a steno pad, my friend said "weigh the good and bad". Which I thought was very wise. It felt like he was saying stop stressing about it, and pinpoint what actually is bothering you.
Good:
i like writing things in a steno pad. If its important enough to write, it's important enough to say. Yet some things I never show, and a lot of times I write down what other people say.
I'm slowly learning to listen, but I'm learning its more than the words people say, its the tones, the gestures, the eye contact.
Listening is about remembering.
Singing. It shows me my "tones" of the day.

Bad:
Exceptions.
Especially going from talking in class to not talking to friends. It feels fake. Like my challenge isn't actually happening.
Feeling rude. Maybe it's time to wear my smiley face pin again with 'i have taken a vow of silence to learn to listen' note on it.

There are probably more on each side, but those are the major ones. The frustration I'm feeling from doing this is not from not being able to express myself when I want to, but from speaking when I'm told I need to speak. Though maybe I'm just stubborn and need to learn to be obedient. I'm learning so much, I feel as if I truly am being re-born. Here's a great quote I heard the other day by Mark Twain, "Don't let school get in the way of education." It's ringing true for me.

The Reverberating Tick Tock.

silence is never silence only an absence.

One of my favorite experiences thus far is going to a playground with cowboy boots on. The ringing and singing of all the metal was astounding. The midnight birds sung their song, and the full moon had all the tuesday night partyers howling in the distance.

There is music in everything, and I can sing the chorus. When the car alarm blares I can harmonize. When that annoying tone of a complaining girl resonates over all, i can hum a melody. It's amazing.

My thoughts seem clearer. Especially on the crapper:
its harder to remember than to listen.
its harder to take the time to write and organize than to speak.
Its easier to take a shit than to meditate.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.
I feel there is time for questions and time for just being. I always have had a questioning mind; why this, why that. However, the only purpose in this life, i believe, is to be a vessel of love and light. Most questions can be answered, some through research, some through patience, but yet others may never be answered. The best thing is to remember. Remember what you know to answer other people's questions. Remember your questions so you can ask them at the right time, to the right person. Lastly, one must be able to remember the answer. What use is it asking something if you're impatiently awaiting the A-ha moment. Take a walk through the journey of the mind, just don't forget to breathe. You are a living thing with a dying day after all.

Even Amadeus was accused of "Too many notes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCud8H7z7vU
<3

Consequence of Sound

Regina Spektor, babe, you're my ratatat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L0bf2YKMDM

Also, I'm learning the Root chakra..
so I stamp my feet
wear red
eat potatoes consciously
sing LAM (lung) at key of C
and sit at bases of trees connecting my roots to the core of the earth.

Waves in the Sea of Consciousness.

http://www.ted.com/talks/john_francis_walks_the_earth.html

Ahhh inspiration.
I am learning to smile.
:]

Silent, satisfied, yet slightly scared

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." ~Marcel Proust

I have started my voyage today. After a visit with my parents, I bid them farewell then took a midday nap with the goal of waking up silent. Today I felt less enthusiastic about my challenge, which was very strange since I have been 100% passionate about it since its creation. I am a very determined person, and someone who takes promises very seriously. So since I promised myself I would do this I need to at least try. I know at the root of my soul that I'm just having commitment issues to the amount of time I promised for this project. I decided I need to keep that open and the full semester/thanksgiving promise might be altered. It is more artistic that way, to just have the feeling of when to start again. Like a drummer in a band knows to bring it back to the steady heartbeat. So my "goal" is to take this to Thanksgiving or as close as possible, regardless of my hesitance right now.

Sooo, so far...It's already paid off.
I feel like I'm back on my path. You know the feeling that everything feels quite alright and decisions seem clearer to make; like there is a path laid out in gold right in front of you? That not even witches or fields of poppies could take you off for too long? Well that's where I am. So much so I don't even care about the ruby red slippers on my feet because home is in my heart.

That sounds a little contradictory doesn't it? That I am very hesitant but very happy to be doing this at the same time? Well, hmm. Oh well. I do feel a little mixed up. But there are things that make it clearer. And though I've only been consciously silent for about six hours, I've already seen some effects it has on my life. And those little "road-signs" make life a little easier. For example, I came in contact with someone I hadn't met yet, who was also a little skeptic of what I was doing. It was hard to not explain it to him. A lovely man named Eric was around and he stood up for what I was doing, because he has taken a vow before. The man he was speaking to listened and possibly learned, but I learned from him by what he had conversations about. He directed it to me though I didn't speak back, which I thought was very kind. I did say a hello and an okay by accident too. Mistakes will be made with this, but Im feeling refreshed already.

"Silence is refreshment for the soul" Wyonna Judd

What makes pleasantries pleasant?

How is it going?

1) Fine, thanks.
2) oh my god, I'm having the worst time ever...................
3) well Im taking it one day at a time
4) splendiferously! you?!
5) it's going

There are so many answers to that question, but do we ever truly know how someone else is doing? What is going on in their mind? We use words as tools, but there are so many meanings to a word, good or bad connotations, and so forth. Sometimes one tries to keep it simple(1), but could possibly come off short or untrusting. It's hard to figure out what kind of answer the question asker is looking for. If we know the questioner really well, then the one who answers might be inclined to show true emotion(2), as in number two. However, sometimes its more about the one asking the question than the one who answers, to make them feel amiable, but one might not actually care about the answer.

There are so many ways to feel, but also to misconstrue. I've found the only way to decipher is to check the question asker for eye contact.
A quick look is a disconnected person, preoccupied with their own thoughts or agenda. They're most of times the ones looking down, not listening when you answer, or even have walked by before you can answer. The one's your asking yourself afterwards, Why'd you even ask?
A deep look where the person sees your eye color is someone who truly wants to know. though this can be set up for a person who likes to unload negativity like in my number 2 example. Deep looks are often replied with a soft look, a sigh, a moment to figure it out, and usually a genuine answer comes out.
Though sometimes people do care, and want to hear, but don't have time to. This is where it gets tricky. One needs to be intuitive or know their friends well. This is most when having a programmed response ready is most in handy, for me at least(3+5). I always find myself sticking with certain responses for long periods of time, or for a whole day, or telling each person something different to entertain myself.
Sometimes its all about energy. The way someone asks with the tone of their voice or their gestures, can change a person's answer or sometimes even their mood altogether.

This is what I've been observing the past few days of mindfulness. How is that going you may ask? Well, I'm not exactly as silent as I had planned since the 12th. Being a part of a community like a college, changes needed to be made to meet the needs of others. AKA, my friends wanted to talk to me since I returned to school the same time I started my challenge. I have been waking up in the morning with the goal of being more mindful with what I say than the day before. The promise does escape me however, especially when I get used to talking from being in a class and doing group work. This is when I have more of a tendency to interrupt, talk over others, or just talk for the sake of talking. Which produces a moment that I just want to be quiet. Though its not from anyone, nor from inner suppression, but rather a longing to start my challenge more than ever. I am so excited to organize my life for one more week, then start my challenge like I plan to.

Well, hopefully my post will help you rethink how you interact in everyday pleasantries. For now….Sayonara!

The Night Before...

...the BIG CHALLENGE.

And I'm excited.
Nay,
I'm...EXCITED!!!

I am beginning a vow of silence, but since no one can ever shut me up, for I am too firey, it has been re-named a "Vow of Learning to Listen".
Here are some rules I am following:

1. i am an academic. first and foremost, i need to keep this in mind. If I need to nix the whole thing and go to school, because that is the most important.

2. Gumby. Have a Plan but be flexible. I've been enjoying saying lately, "don't be grumpy be gumby". If I need to participate more than I would have liked to when I first thought of this challenge to pass a class, so be it. The point of this is to learn so I can teach better. Well, this is the biggest point of my experiment.

3. tutors. The way I envisioned this happening from that fateful Thursday hammockday creation is to have a one hour of tutor per course I am taking. some classes will take less, some will be more, but just something weekly to check up with the teacher and/or student tutor on how I am doing academically. I will talk during this time, but mostly questions, and striving for complete mindfulness while doing so.

4. singing. I do want to improve musically, so I will sing periodically.

5. Blogging. I will update this frequently also, so to let all my friends and family know how I am doing. Also any changes to the plan will be documented for I want to be flexible to changes, but stern in what I want to do. I will meditate thoroughly on each decision, and maybe consult Thoreau too :] (with his rules of mile from town "wilderness living" and visitors and all...but still a great man, nonetheless)

6. Reasons: there are many reasons why I want to do this but here are a few, not really in any order, that I've seen so far:
one: so to be a better teacher. to understand the ones who can't express themselves easily or are suppressed in any way.
two: to learn to listen, I've been so loud my whole life. and when I'm not loud I'm thinking loudly. I have perceived myself to have been observant this whole time, but my guess is that it is mostly clues; not truly and simply listening to life around me.
three: to learn better. because of the reason above I have considered myself to possibly have auditory processing disorder because I can never remember what the teacher has said, and many symptoms of the disorder. However, maybe I can avoid ever having to be formally diagnosed with the disorder if I can simply learn to listen.
four: to transcend negativity. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. things i think might currently have negative connotations: my school's reputation, the rep of americans and their gluttonous ways, choosing a spiritual choice over a more "logical" one. among others, but I think these are things I can work toward changing. I have high aspirations.

7. exceptions: Within the next two weeks, (see calendar below) speak to whoever I need to to do this, Student Senates, Advisors, Deans, Profs, Directors, whoevers. Set up a support staff of a few people I can talk to to keep sanity-> one therapist-like person, two advisors, one person I can just tell past stories to so on so forth. I will organize this vague part by the 30th.

Calendar: September 12-start vow. That Sunday until October-organize and explain, talk only when I need to either. October until December- as quiet as decided on September 30th. 5days before or after Thanksgiving: No communication whatsoever as Friend Ben told me. Break fast on Thanksgiving. December 17-Break for Christmas break. re-evaluate how smoothly my school worked with me, do it the same way for the next semester. Talk when school lets out! Be mindful for the rest of my life!

In the words a beloved friend, Will write more later!