Achieved: Lifelong Learner

So I've quit quitting talking, but I don't feel like a quitter.

What I learned:

To learn, one must outsource. learning is more than observing. its more than listening. Its applying, its creating, its remembering. (Educators: sound familiar? its the all encompassing Bloom's taxonomy!) Learning to remember is a much longer process, and a vow one must take if they can't seem to remember it all. We can only remember seven things in the short term memory. That is why phone numbers are seven numbers. After that, one must commit pieces of information to long-term memory or forget them. That's where the next note of learning comes in:

I'm in love with steno pads. Writing down things I find interesting as soon as I hear them makes it so I can remember more. its like sticking a long-term memory in my back pocket to set my short term free for the here and now. Writing down poetry leads to the creation of life for me. Poetry is the way someone says something, the literature they refer to, and the advice they give. Even if I do not re-read my notes, the things I need to remember will stay with me because I took the extra moment to recreate it. The mixture of things I chose to write down during my silence are very interesting. And from this, I want to make the effort to always carry a notepad in my back pocket.

I am happier when I talk. On Thursday, I went through the day as I always did, not talking except for my exceptions. Though as it was Midterms week, there were so many exceptions between tutors and group projects, that it got frustrating to Yo-yo, as I expressed in the last post. After I got over the frustration of not doing what I set out to do, I realized I was smiling more. When I didn't speak my face wasn't stoic, but it did not have the chance to exercise as when one talks. With talking, I had the chance to smile and be happier as a result.

I notice how my body speaks. So much of communicating is with hand motions and eye contact and such, but what about within us? I've already said that by talking I smiled more, but there was also a vibration felt through my body. With each consonant and vowel, my diaphragm resonates throughout my inner body. To speak it starts with the solar plexus. One speaks from the depths of their soul when they do this, and that is shown in the vibration when we talk. A sigh of relief, a "Mhmm" of validation, a "hmm" when we are awoken to something new: these are all vibrations that stir emotions and communicate more than words.

Ive noticed much more, but these are the major lessons. There is a stronger sense of harmony and clarity in my life, that I am very glad i did it. Though I wish I could have gone longer, as an academic I think this was a good amount of time. I probably will take more days in fragments throughout my life. From sundown one day to sunrise two days later is an adequate amount of time to find clarity in the state of one's listening and communication skills. This will be perfect thing to do throughout life.

weighing the good and bad.

"To live is to be slowly born."
~Antoine de Saint Exupery

Today I feel like talking. I didn't have class, a tutoring or counseling session, nor professors or advisers that I had to speak with. No labs, no group projects. And I realize those exceptions that I hate making are ways for me to release. The build-up of energy for not talking is a part of the challenge. The exceptions are making it harder to keep up with my challenge. If I talk in class to be a part of a mandatory discussion, then what makes that different from my friends asking how my silence is going? I cant just not answer, that would be rude. We just worked on something together. Or what makes it different talking about a project in class to talking about it after class? What classifies a tutor? BAHHHH. I think I need to talk to my advisor again about re-organizing this challenge. For at this point, I either want it to get more difficult or shorten the length I'm doing this.

I miss saying hello and thank you. I smile at everyone passing, but its just feels so different from the chipper greeting I love giving people. And thank you for holding the door?!? Ah the simple things. The how are you's and how is that soup; I just really want to give my friends more than a hand signal.

So after writing a simplified version of this on a steno pad, my friend said "weigh the good and bad". Which I thought was very wise. It felt like he was saying stop stressing about it, and pinpoint what actually is bothering you.
Good:
i like writing things in a steno pad. If its important enough to write, it's important enough to say. Yet some things I never show, and a lot of times I write down what other people say.
I'm slowly learning to listen, but I'm learning its more than the words people say, its the tones, the gestures, the eye contact.
Listening is about remembering.
Singing. It shows me my "tones" of the day.

Bad:
Exceptions.
Especially going from talking in class to not talking to friends. It feels fake. Like my challenge isn't actually happening.
Feeling rude. Maybe it's time to wear my smiley face pin again with 'i have taken a vow of silence to learn to listen' note on it.

There are probably more on each side, but those are the major ones. The frustration I'm feeling from doing this is not from not being able to express myself when I want to, but from speaking when I'm told I need to speak. Though maybe I'm just stubborn and need to learn to be obedient. I'm learning so much, I feel as if I truly am being re-born. Here's a great quote I heard the other day by Mark Twain, "Don't let school get in the way of education." It's ringing true for me.

The Reverberating Tick Tock.

silence is never silence only an absence.

One of my favorite experiences thus far is going to a playground with cowboy boots on. The ringing and singing of all the metal was astounding. The midnight birds sung their song, and the full moon had all the tuesday night partyers howling in the distance.

There is music in everything, and I can sing the chorus. When the car alarm blares I can harmonize. When that annoying tone of a complaining girl resonates over all, i can hum a melody. It's amazing.

My thoughts seem clearer. Especially on the crapper:
its harder to remember than to listen.
its harder to take the time to write and organize than to speak.
Its easier to take a shit than to meditate.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.
I feel there is time for questions and time for just being. I always have had a questioning mind; why this, why that. However, the only purpose in this life, i believe, is to be a vessel of love and light. Most questions can be answered, some through research, some through patience, but yet others may never be answered. The best thing is to remember. Remember what you know to answer other people's questions. Remember your questions so you can ask them at the right time, to the right person. Lastly, one must be able to remember the answer. What use is it asking something if you're impatiently awaiting the A-ha moment. Take a walk through the journey of the mind, just don't forget to breathe. You are a living thing with a dying day after all.

Even Amadeus was accused of "Too many notes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCud8H7z7vU
<3

Consequence of Sound

Regina Spektor, babe, you're my ratatat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L0bf2YKMDM

Also, I'm learning the Root chakra..
so I stamp my feet
wear red
eat potatoes consciously
sing LAM (lung) at key of C
and sit at bases of trees connecting my roots to the core of the earth.

Waves in the Sea of Consciousness.

http://www.ted.com/talks/john_francis_walks_the_earth.html

Ahhh inspiration.
I am learning to smile.
:]

Silent, satisfied, yet slightly scared

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." ~Marcel Proust

I have started my voyage today. After a visit with my parents, I bid them farewell then took a midday nap with the goal of waking up silent. Today I felt less enthusiastic about my challenge, which was very strange since I have been 100% passionate about it since its creation. I am a very determined person, and someone who takes promises very seriously. So since I promised myself I would do this I need to at least try. I know at the root of my soul that I'm just having commitment issues to the amount of time I promised for this project. I decided I need to keep that open and the full semester/thanksgiving promise might be altered. It is more artistic that way, to just have the feeling of when to start again. Like a drummer in a band knows to bring it back to the steady heartbeat. So my "goal" is to take this to Thanksgiving or as close as possible, regardless of my hesitance right now.

Sooo, so far...It's already paid off.
I feel like I'm back on my path. You know the feeling that everything feels quite alright and decisions seem clearer to make; like there is a path laid out in gold right in front of you? That not even witches or fields of poppies could take you off for too long? Well that's where I am. So much so I don't even care about the ruby red slippers on my feet because home is in my heart.

That sounds a little contradictory doesn't it? That I am very hesitant but very happy to be doing this at the same time? Well, hmm. Oh well. I do feel a little mixed up. But there are things that make it clearer. And though I've only been consciously silent for about six hours, I've already seen some effects it has on my life. And those little "road-signs" make life a little easier. For example, I came in contact with someone I hadn't met yet, who was also a little skeptic of what I was doing. It was hard to not explain it to him. A lovely man named Eric was around and he stood up for what I was doing, because he has taken a vow before. The man he was speaking to listened and possibly learned, but I learned from him by what he had conversations about. He directed it to me though I didn't speak back, which I thought was very kind. I did say a hello and an okay by accident too. Mistakes will be made with this, but Im feeling refreshed already.

"Silence is refreshment for the soul" Wyonna Judd

What makes pleasantries pleasant?

How is it going?

1) Fine, thanks.
2) oh my god, I'm having the worst time ever...................
3) well Im taking it one day at a time
4) splendiferously! you?!
5) it's going

There are so many answers to that question, but do we ever truly know how someone else is doing? What is going on in their mind? We use words as tools, but there are so many meanings to a word, good or bad connotations, and so forth. Sometimes one tries to keep it simple(1), but could possibly come off short or untrusting. It's hard to figure out what kind of answer the question asker is looking for. If we know the questioner really well, then the one who answers might be inclined to show true emotion(2), as in number two. However, sometimes its more about the one asking the question than the one who answers, to make them feel amiable, but one might not actually care about the answer.

There are so many ways to feel, but also to misconstrue. I've found the only way to decipher is to check the question asker for eye contact.
A quick look is a disconnected person, preoccupied with their own thoughts or agenda. They're most of times the ones looking down, not listening when you answer, or even have walked by before you can answer. The one's your asking yourself afterwards, Why'd you even ask?
A deep look where the person sees your eye color is someone who truly wants to know. though this can be set up for a person who likes to unload negativity like in my number 2 example. Deep looks are often replied with a soft look, a sigh, a moment to figure it out, and usually a genuine answer comes out.
Though sometimes people do care, and want to hear, but don't have time to. This is where it gets tricky. One needs to be intuitive or know their friends well. This is most when having a programmed response ready is most in handy, for me at least(3+5). I always find myself sticking with certain responses for long periods of time, or for a whole day, or telling each person something different to entertain myself.
Sometimes its all about energy. The way someone asks with the tone of their voice or their gestures, can change a person's answer or sometimes even their mood altogether.

This is what I've been observing the past few days of mindfulness. How is that going you may ask? Well, I'm not exactly as silent as I had planned since the 12th. Being a part of a community like a college, changes needed to be made to meet the needs of others. AKA, my friends wanted to talk to me since I returned to school the same time I started my challenge. I have been waking up in the morning with the goal of being more mindful with what I say than the day before. The promise does escape me however, especially when I get used to talking from being in a class and doing group work. This is when I have more of a tendency to interrupt, talk over others, or just talk for the sake of talking. Which produces a moment that I just want to be quiet. Though its not from anyone, nor from inner suppression, but rather a longing to start my challenge more than ever. I am so excited to organize my life for one more week, then start my challenge like I plan to.

Well, hopefully my post will help you rethink how you interact in everyday pleasantries. For now….Sayonara!

The Night Before...

...the BIG CHALLENGE.

And I'm excited.
Nay,
I'm...EXCITED!!!

I am beginning a vow of silence, but since no one can ever shut me up, for I am too firey, it has been re-named a "Vow of Learning to Listen".
Here are some rules I am following:

1. i am an academic. first and foremost, i need to keep this in mind. If I need to nix the whole thing and go to school, because that is the most important.

2. Gumby. Have a Plan but be flexible. I've been enjoying saying lately, "don't be grumpy be gumby". If I need to participate more than I would have liked to when I first thought of this challenge to pass a class, so be it. The point of this is to learn so I can teach better. Well, this is the biggest point of my experiment.

3. tutors. The way I envisioned this happening from that fateful Thursday hammockday creation is to have a one hour of tutor per course I am taking. some classes will take less, some will be more, but just something weekly to check up with the teacher and/or student tutor on how I am doing academically. I will talk during this time, but mostly questions, and striving for complete mindfulness while doing so.

4. singing. I do want to improve musically, so I will sing periodically.

5. Blogging. I will update this frequently also, so to let all my friends and family know how I am doing. Also any changes to the plan will be documented for I want to be flexible to changes, but stern in what I want to do. I will meditate thoroughly on each decision, and maybe consult Thoreau too :] (with his rules of mile from town "wilderness living" and visitors and all...but still a great man, nonetheless)

6. Reasons: there are many reasons why I want to do this but here are a few, not really in any order, that I've seen so far:
one: so to be a better teacher. to understand the ones who can't express themselves easily or are suppressed in any way.
two: to learn to listen, I've been so loud my whole life. and when I'm not loud I'm thinking loudly. I have perceived myself to have been observant this whole time, but my guess is that it is mostly clues; not truly and simply listening to life around me.
three: to learn better. because of the reason above I have considered myself to possibly have auditory processing disorder because I can never remember what the teacher has said, and many symptoms of the disorder. However, maybe I can avoid ever having to be formally diagnosed with the disorder if I can simply learn to listen.
four: to transcend negativity. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. things i think might currently have negative connotations: my school's reputation, the rep of americans and their gluttonous ways, choosing a spiritual choice over a more "logical" one. among others, but I think these are things I can work toward changing. I have high aspirations.

7. exceptions: Within the next two weeks, (see calendar below) speak to whoever I need to to do this, Student Senates, Advisors, Deans, Profs, Directors, whoevers. Set up a support staff of a few people I can talk to to keep sanity-> one therapist-like person, two advisors, one person I can just tell past stories to so on so forth. I will organize this vague part by the 30th.

Calendar: September 12-start vow. That Sunday until October-organize and explain, talk only when I need to either. October until December- as quiet as decided on September 30th. 5days before or after Thanksgiving: No communication whatsoever as Friend Ben told me. Break fast on Thanksgiving. December 17-Break for Christmas break. re-evaluate how smoothly my school worked with me, do it the same way for the next semester. Talk when school lets out! Be mindful for the rest of my life!

In the words a beloved friend, Will write more later!

Fireflies

Oh firefly, oh firefly, fairy of the night sky
may your light transfer and intensify

So magical. I feel as if whenever you are in a place where there are abundant fireflies, you cannot help but to think good thoughts, have sprightly imagination, or think of the Holy Spirit.

I recently went driving with my brother. There are no places to go after 9 o'clock on a weekday, except for a diner for some pie of course! We had a great time drinking tea and eating pie, but after a while, we were once again thrown into the ambiguous night. The moon was miraculous at its yellow waxing gibbous state high in the sky, and I was awake and restless as always when the moon is swelling with light. I was itching to get out of the car and spend some time in a nature oasis, but I knew my brother was tired. Maybe he sensed my restlessness or got inspired from the beautiful moonlit back roads we were traveling, but soon enough we were scaling down the side of a road towards the river.

It was a beautiful river-bend with a delicate song grasping around the rocks and falling with the runoff. All of the trees were laden with thousands of fireflies. After talking excitedly for a few hours, my brother and I immediately fell silent when we arrived. The mind is eased with a river, no matter how ceaseless and rambunctious either seem to be. I sat there thinking of how fireflies seemed to be bundles of energy. Some fireflies seemed to be slower and brighter while others were more frequent and dull. My brother had the realization that when you are visited with the light of God, sometimes you are blinded for a bit afterwards while walking through life. And it occurred to me to compare this with fireflies in the sense that some people are visited by God frequently, whereas some are less frequent but with higher life-altering intensity.

Hopefully I can be as consistent as the firefly or rightfully inconsistent with the amount of light I am letting show, for every situation calls for either reserve or for me to step out of my comfort zone and embrace what is being asked of my Spirit.

The Uncertainties of All Things Magical.

i wonder if my poetry is no longer mine once its on this here intershmet. oh well...


"Music flows like uncertainty creeps" the young scribe writes in his book.
Such like the rainbow that creeps around morning suns and crescent moons
as time crept and formed the regal twist of a grandmother willow.
This magic is the most uncertain uncertainties of them all;
the magic that is held in the musician's ears.
This musician simply breathes and is sustained
he is a musician who sleeps and lives
and for each musician who ever walked one day of life
there is a song that goes unheard.
So sing me the song you hear, young musician,
try to mend together the best words you can find.
Take the rhythm sung from the river's mouth
be the beat behind each verse.
Let each verse, young scribe,
flow from the ceaseless river of your mind
into the sea; the sea of uncertainty.
For that song that plays within you, but cannot escape
no matter what instrument you play,
yes, you know the song, but from where does it come?
From where does the music flow? the magic bestowed?
Why is there beauty in this world, music in my ears?
The answer is one only of uncertain nature,
but nonetheless not less true.

mistakes

Mistakes. I wish life were like a movie so if I realize a take was a bad one, I can say take 2, 3, 4...until I get the one I like. Im the director of my life right? Sometimes that doesn't quite feel so true.

I wasn't going to write terribly personal stories on here, but not too many people read this, it's on my mind, and I don't feel like journaling.....ANYWAY... that poem below, well...theres a bit of a dilemma around it.

I wrote it as an appreciation for a fellow livened soul. At the time I realized everytime this boy would walk into a room, the whole room would seem to relax as a reaction. It was as if as soon as this Pisces man would walk into the room, regardless of what was going on before, the ambiance of the room would be cleansed with this calming aquatic energy. So, that's a pretty cool thing right? But how does one go about explaining that to someone? Especially to the energy transformer himself? To just verbally express it in conversation, the thought would just get brushed to the side, or possibly misconstrued amongst others. So one day, I wrote a poem about it.

Now, Pisces man is reaaal attractive. And when it is winter and one cannot absorb as much love and light from the outdoors, they usually absorb or crave it from others. One Friday night, after a stressful week, everyone was listening to music and rolling a bit too. I was dancing with everyone and felt included in their feeling of being one with every person around you. I was dancing with pisces man at one point, and we started making out. The bite of the boomerang is that a boy who I knew liked me but never pursued me, a boy so sweet and genuine in all that he does, is good friends with Pisces and walked into the dance room as we were goin at it. The look on his face made me die a little inside; I'm not sure I'll ever forget it.

That hook-up was fine, and the one a week or so later when I went back to his place. Although after a recent hook-up with someone else that ended really shittily, I was soaking up the goddess treatment Pisces gave me and nothing really happened because I didn't want it to. Although, when I woke up, (to find out he gave me the bed and was sleeping on the floor) I wrote the poem on a scrap piece of paper. I never intended to give it to him. I drunkenly brought it thinking I would read a piece of it or something, but in the morning it seemed like a good idea as I had been trying to be more open with my poetry.

So now I'm thinking if I were to go back and change just one of my actions what would it be? Not leave the poem, which possibly insinuated I wanted something from him? and ended up leading to the reasons why I don't let people read my poetry: feelings of uncertainty in meaning construed, judgements, cliches, expectations... Or should I not of hooked up with him the second time or not at all? Or was my real mistake not giving the shy, sweet one a chance when I knew he liked me? Right now my gut is going with constant deliberation over the last one. But are my "gut" feelings feelings of guilt, loneliness, desperation, or a true realization of my actions and feelings. At any rate, I do realize that I need to reevaluate how I make decisions and if I should trust my attractions to certain people. I most prominently need to stop being scared of love. And scared of how I'm perceived. All I've ever known is that I need to do what keeps my soul alive like writing poems and dancing. Predicaments like these make me not want to do either. Though with the magic of spring, joy cannot be suppressed and not shared. It'll all work out in the wash, I just wish I didn't put so much spin into the spin cycle of some situations.

Falling In Lust With a Pisces Man

What is the feeling
that makes us want to close our eyes?


I sit by the river.
My reflection upon the water is a perplexing one.
One that I know, but each ripple,
each different from the last or next,
leaves me mesmerized.
I do not like this.
I look away, and find I am cleansed through by breeze..
I close my eyes.

There is a moment of worry at what I see;
the reflections within my mind's eye,
leads me to almost open my eyes,
but i breathe out instead.
When I straighten my spine
and fix my face into a relaxed smile,
I am rewarded with joy and peace.

I can hear close but also far;
far to the right, I hear untamable rapids,
though tamed by the time they arrive at my perch.
There is a large rock in the river's middle
Inspiring a bubbling rhythm.
The low tones let loose,
ripple out, and float away.
The others a seductive dance of healing creativity.

The waters wash over my body and soul;
the eb and flow is contained, but not confined by,
the solar construct of soil and plants.
All things energetic and rejuvenating comes from the right,
spiral through and around,
and by the unwinding path to the left, are released.

A Letter for Love

Dear misdirected middle school girl,

I write this letter to share wisdom. To be wise is to go into a situation aware of your values and the truly wise will make choices within that situation according to the strength of their integrity. Know how strong and wise you are at all times. Wisdom does not belong to the aged. With age one has more experiences and therefor placed in more circumstances to learn lessons and apply integrity, but it doesn't mean they do those things. Wisdom can be possessed without the experience, lesson learned, or application. Just be aware. Not beware, but be aware.

I do not write this letter to tell you what to do or not to do, who to be, how to act, what to believe in or to reprimand you. I only do it to transfer wisdom. That is the only reason, under my understanding, for language and communication; for survival relies on an individual's wisdom.

Please, for the sake of the world's balance, be understanding of another's wish to commit to their beliefs and opinions. Wisdom can be argued against for purposes of righteousness for another alternative wisdom. Keep in mind that what works for you, might not work for them. Also, having integrity does not mean being stubborn at all costs, it means having the strength to discern what is right from anything you are faced with. Be constantly transforming. there is no one transformation your soul will go through like that of a butterfly, it is an on-going process. Respect the journey of others as much as your own.

Mistakes are made. There is no perfect person. They say Jesus was, but even he got reprimanded for doing what he thought was right. It's been quite a long time and people are still trying to figure that guy out, trying to discern if the things he did was the right things to do. People will always try to figure you out, have expectations of you, and make judgements. Ponder these interpretations occasionally for its interesting to see other's perceptions, but NEVER let it change who you are. Your journey will get knocked off its course, and although that isn't a bad thing, you will be living for someone else, not for your own soul's survival.

You can only rely on yourself. Though this may sound harsh and skeptical, that is the only thing in this world you can be sure of. Facts are constantly disputed. Make judgement on who to trust by the intuition you receive when you look into their eyes. The eye is the easiest way to look into the physical brain, and I believe the most immediate way to read a person's soul. What is said about a person, or what that person says or does is sometimes completely irrelevant to who they actually are. Journeys are taken in obscure ways, that intuition will tell you if that person is true or artificial. However, don't beat yourself up if you are wrong.

Accept new experiences and emotions. Ponder thoughts about the soul, spirit, how the world works and whatever strikes your fancy. Reflect but don't dwell. This world is going at such a rapid pace there is limited time to figure out all the complexities of this world. It is not human's purpose to figure it out, we are meant to live.

Don't be bored. You are insulting yourself. Imagination does not belong to five year olds, you can still visit the magical place! With creativity and imagination you can do anything! The things of this world, such as money, are not needed to have a good time.

Marvel in the wonders of the world. All things that take time to make or grow. Man-made or nature-made is a ethical debate, but nonetheless everything is worthy of praise. The mind that constructed a machine to do things a human hand used to do is marvelous. Making a human hand make something that nature makes too is a phenomenon that is marvelous. The light in droplets that hang off trees are marvelous.

Good luck in your journey. Have confidence in all that you do. This is your life, and how you live it should have nothing to do with anyone else.

Love,
a contemplative collegiate woman